Acquisition Is Admirable - Loss Is Shameful

Our society teaches us from the very beginning that acquiring things makes one happy. We earn toys from Santa when we're little by being good. We get scholarships and entrance into the best universities by earning high grades. We conform to the latest trends in fashion to be accepted by our peers. These lessons serve us well through our childhood and into our adulthood. But while we learn much of how to acquire things, we have precious little information on what do when we lose them. Yet loss is inevitable.

Instead of getting useful instruction on what to do when faced with a loss, we get messages that hurry us through the pain. "What's done is done." and "Don't cry over spilt milk." and "Just move on." We are taught that if we must have some sadness and tears, it is best to do so in isolation. "If you must cry, go to your room". In other words, grieve alone. And since we were taught to grieve alone, we think others must do so as well. "Give her some space." or "He needs to be alone."

The concept that time heals all wounds is probably responsible for more heartache than any other single wrong idea our society promotes about loss. Just as you wouldn't ignore a broken arm or leg, thinking it would heal in time, a broken heart should not be ignored. If your car had a flat tire, would you pull up a chair, sit next to the car and wait patiently for air to somehow get back into the tire? Of course not. Time, in and of itself, does not heal anything. It is what you do during the time you spend grieving that helps you complete the pain caused by the loss.

Confusion About "Stages of Grief"

Most everyone has heard of Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her 5 emotional stages that a dying person goes through after being diagnosed with terminal illness:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

But while her pioneering work brought awareness to stages involved with the process of dying, it has little to do with the grief that occurs after a person experiences a loss. When someone is informed of a loved one's death, whether unexpected or not, there may be an initial thought of "No, this can't be true!" but it is relatively fleeting. So, unlike the denial that may last for days, weeks, months, or even longer with someone facing terminal illness, there is little to no denial that a loss has occurred for the grieving person.

What about anger? Often there is no anger associated with learning a loved one has died. Sometimes the circumstances surrounding the death produce angry feelings (e.g., murder, suicide, or preventable accident) but if the loved one died from a lingering illness, there is little to no anger -- just a sense of relief that the person is no longer in pain.

While Kubler-Ross' stages of grief for a dying person don't necessarily apply to a person grieving a loss (due to death, divorce, etc.) there are some very common responses among grievers:

1. Reduced concentration - due to preoccupation with the emotions surrounding the loss
   
2. Sense of numbness - but it rarely lasts more than a few hours - often mistaken for denial
   
3. Disrupted sleep patterns - sleeping too much or becoming an insomniac
4. Changed eating habits - eating nonstop or losing appetite completely
5. Roller coaster of emotional energy - feeling both emotionally and physically drained

There are no time frames for grieving, nor should there be. The time a griever experiences these common responses is individualized because everyone is unique, and the circumstances regarding the loss will be different for each person. But one of the most damaging ideas is that you can "never get over" the loss. It is possible to recover from grief. And this book teaches you how...

Grief: Neglected & Misunderstood Process

Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. Typically it is experienced as a result of a loss. Some of these loss experiences include:

• Death of a family member, friend, or pet
  
• Moving
• Divorce or end of other significant relationship
• Graduating from school
  
• Major health changes
• Children growing up and leaving home
• Job loss/changes
  

It is normal and natural to have conflicting feelings (grief) when we experience such losses, but we have been ill prepared to deal with grief. Why? Because grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain. All efforts to heal the heart with intellect will fail because the head is the wrong tool for the job. It's like trying to paint with a hammer - it only makes a mess of things.

Nearly all intellectual attempts to deal with grief start with the phrase, "Don't feel bad..." and are followed by some sort of statement about replacing the loss. Consider a child whose pet has died. The child is completely inconsolable, crying for hours, and then moping about the house for days. Parents, wanting to ease the child's pain, say, "Don't feel bad. We'll go to the SPCA this weekend and get you a new dog."

Or think of a teenager who has experienced his/her first real love. The preoccupation with the beloved is overwhelming, leading to lack of concentration on school work, and hours upon hours of talking or texting on the phone. Often withdrawal from friends occurs as the relationship deepens, and it almost always eventually ends with a devastating break-up.

As the heart feels a pain it has never before felt, the distraught teenager no longer wants to eat, see or talk to anyone, and feels that the whole world has fallen apart. What do friends say? "Don't feel bad. There are plenty of fish in the sea." or "Don't feel bad. It's his loss. You're much too good for him, and you'll find someone who really deserves you." Once again, the message is clear. Don't feel the sadness or pain that you're feeling. And replace the loss. The sooner, the better.

Grief Recovery Handbook

Ever since Cozette, my oldest sister, died when I was 14 years old, I have failed to understand the grieving process. Others close to me have died since Cozy, and with each death, I have felt like a complete failure at grieving properly. I have been told there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. And I understand that...intellectually...but I needed guidance, direction, something! I told my friend Debbie Chapman that what I wanted was a workbook that told me "OK, here's step 1. Do it and then move on to step 2...." I wanted a timeframe for completion. Nothing was more depressing to me than to hear friends of mine whose Mom or Dad had died telling me that "you never get over it" and that it was as painful today as it was X number of years ago when their parent died.

Debbie suggested I call Harris County's Employee Assistance Program to see what they might have that would be helpful. So I did. And WOW - did they ever deliver! First was a very kind woman that took my call and listened carefully. She didn't tell me that she was sorry for my loss - in fact, she used none of the cliches typically heard by folks who have recently had a loved one die. When I told her what I wanted, she said she wanted to send me something to help. Two days later I got a FedEx package at home. Inside was the book The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses. Authors: John W. James & Russell Friedman

I have completed Part One and want to post some of the things I have learned so far. This will take several posts. So if you're not interested in this topic, please revisit my blog about 3 weeks from now. I should be on to other things by then. Yep, I've got a timeframe now :--)

Judge Alex Show Called Again

A couple weeks ago I had a call from a producer at the Judge Alex show. They had seen the lawsuit I filed against the pit bull dog owners for the attack on Porch Boy. Never heard back from the show, so I just assumed that the defendants refused to participate or never talked to them.

I did see the man last Friday when he pulled up into his driveway and asked if he got a call from the Judge Alex show. He said that there was a message on their voice mail, but they hadn't responded. I told him it would be a good idea to do so, since the show would pay for the damages done to my dog if I were to win. If I lost, then they wouldn't be out anything either. So win or lose, it was a good deal. He said he'd talk to his wife about it. He wasn't mean, but far from friendly. Civil is what I'd call the interaction.

Well, today I got a call again from the Judge Alex show. This woman said it was an assistant that had handled the original call to me, and she was going to follow up on what occurred because she thought it was a very interesting case. She said that they would be filming again in a couple weeks, but she would call back and let me know today what happened to the first attempt to get our case aired.

Not holding my breath, but it's good to know that there's at least another possibility that this could all be resolved before I have to go through the JP court. I did get the 3rd certified letter returned to me yesterday. Once again, they left the letter "unclaimed" - this letter was to advise them of the trial data. I have a message into the JP court to find out if the trial will still be held on 4/28/09 since I can't seem to get them to pick up anything in writing.

I also made an open records request for the officer report from Animal Control in response to my initial complaint against the dog and its owners. I also have requested any documentation about them asking Animal Control to pick up the pit bull and euthanize it the day before Thanksgiving.

Justice for Porch Boy? Sure hope so!

Links to Kaden Photos

I kept thinking I would have time to post more of Kaden's photos this week, but never did find the time to do more posting with captions. So, here's a link to all the photos I took of him. And here's a link to all the photos Lori took of him.

Photos of Kaden Wayne Polk & His Fan Club

My great nephew, Kaden Wayne Polk, was born on February 26, 2009 at 11:18 PM and weighed in at 7 lbs, 1 oz. He is 20" long and as you can see in the photos that I will be posting over the next few days, has a full head of dark hair and long, long fingers and toes. His proud parents, Alena & Jonathan Polk, met on February 26, 2008 --- isn't that a cool coincidence? I guess it must have been love at first sight!

Proud Papa Jonathan welcomes us into Alena & Kaden's room, which was adorned with a cool sign that visitors got to leave a message to the newborn and new parents.



When Mom & I arrived at the hospital Saturday morning, Kaden was having his circumcision surgery. So we took a few photos while waiting for his return to the room. Here's Alena in her fuzzy red slippers and with her grandma:


And here's the cute little basketball that Jonathan bought for his son, also announcing his stats.


Finally they brought little Kaden back to the room and he was in Great Grandma's arms immediately! As you can see, he was a bit uncomfortable from the morning's penis whacking :-(


And Great Grandma can totally feel his pain...but tries to cheer him up!

Going Home

Well, I was using Gina's camera when Mom & I visited the hospital to see Kaden. The photos came out great - I will post several of them - but I didn't know I couldn't flip the camera for the movie without it correcting to show properly. You'll see what I mean...just tilt your head at a 90 degree angle and enjoy.

Lullabye for Kaden

It's hard to see the expression on Kaden's face that makes us all laugh when he briefly opens his eyes. Either he is a music critic or he was feeling pain from his recent circumcision surgery, but it was definitely showing his displeasure with something :--)